So true!

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A weekend of friendship

I've had a lovely weekend this weekend, catching up with old friends.

Mr B and I went out for dinner with my friend H and her boyfriend on Friday night, and then yesterday I spent the day with one of my oldest friends in London. Cath and I have been friends for 24 years - we went to preschool together.

And, although she only lives a 40 minute train journey away, we don't spend a lot of time together. But when we do, we really make the most of it!

We went to Camden Market, and spent most of the afternoon sat it a lovely little coffee shop eating delicious food, drinking coffee and catching up.

She is probably the one person that I am completely honest with about TTC. She is very into homeopathy and alternative therapies, too, so she's great for bouncing ideas off of about that sort of approach, too.

Anyway, we put the world to rights and it was lovely to catch up with her again.

Four on Friday

Four jobs I have had...

Customer services executive

Office Manager

Telesales Executive

Shop assistant

Thoughtful Thursday

You can't help getting older,

but you don't need to get old.

George Burns

Another kick in the teeth??

There's talk on Face.book that another of my cousins is pregnant.

She's 19.

She's been with her fiance for less than 2 years.

She doesn't have a job (in fact, i'm not sure she's EVER worked).

How is that fair!? Why should she be allowed a baby and I'm not.

Grrrr!!!!

I shouldn't do it, but I do...

One Born Every Minute.

I shouldn't watch, but I do.

I watch as teen mums scream their way through labour, and complain about the pain.

I watch as older mums have their fourth child.

I watch as their lives change forever as that tiny bundle arrives.

And I have a little cry....

Yay!!

I've lost 5 pounds in the past five weeks!!

I haven 't weighed myself in a month, which I think has helped, and there's no denying that the walking to and from work is helping me out.

But yay for me!!!

I am...

So, while I was in France, I found out some stuff about me, and what my beliefs are (as I explained here).

It was a real eye opener for me. I hadn't realised that I felt, deep down, that in order to be a mum, I'd have to stop being me.

But, what does being "me" mean?

That's what I'm trying to find out....

Day 132

It's been 132 days since I last had a period.

Seriously?!

Babies, babies everywhere

It seems like everyone's either having babies or announcing their pregnancies at the moment...

Mr B's friend had her fourth baby on Sunday (she had three boys, and finally got her girl!)

Another friend is just 13 weeks pregnant.

I saw on FaceSpace yesterday that an old college friend is 20 weeks pregnant with her second baby.

And, of course, my PCOS friend is five weeks gone.

This post by Jenna at Among the Blossoms really hit home with me, too - I want some effing water!!!

Worst. Valentines. Ever

Mr B and I are both ill.

I can't wait to go to bed.

To sleep.

In fact, it's all I've wanted to do since I got home from France. I don't think we've done the deed for a month.... I've been away, or ill, for the past 4 weeks, so poor Mr B hasn't had any lovin'.

We will definitely make up for it when we're both better, though!!!

Happy Birthday Mr B!

Mr B is 40 today.

I can't believe that I'm married to someone so old!!

He's got the day off work (I haven't) and he's treating himself to a nice, lazy, day.

I hope he enjoys every second - he deserves it!

Sleepy...

It's day 3 of the new job.

It's going well, but I'm doing more than I've done for a looong time. Because it's a new job and I'm training, I'm taking in lots of information, and it's just really tiring me out.

Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying it, I'm just really looking forward to the weekend so I can have a good ol' sleep!

I have a bit of an uphill walk that I have to do in order to get to the office, and already I'm starting to feel it in my bum cheeks. I have a feeling that I'm going to end up with a tight little touche before long!! Everything else might be falling apart, but my ass is going to look great!

I'm finally starting to feel a bit better, too (although I can hear Mr B coughing and spluttering upstairs at the moment), so I'm looking forward to getting back to the gym, getting a diet sorted, and sorting my lardy pants out!

Yay me!!

My Week in France - The Final Installment!

It's fair to say that the review I've given of my week in France over the past week has been somewhat of a whistle stop tour of the week.

I spent nearly 40 hours learning new skills and understanding myself and the people around me more.

I walked from France to Spain and back again.

I ate some beautiful meals.

I spent time in my friend's beautiful house with his wonderful family, who I haven't even mentioned.

It would be impossible for me to tell you all of those things, or for me to explain just how much of an impact it's had on me and the way I think of myself.

But it was an amazing week, I learnt lots, and I've made some great new friends.

I can't wait for the next one!

My Week in France - Part Five

For the last afternoon of the course, we went sailing.

We all knew it was coming, but none of us really understood why. Some of us (me included) were quite nervous about it. (I'll be honest now, I won't be rushing to do it again! It's the second time within a year that I've been, and it doesn't get any better with experience!)

The day before the sailing, our trainer finally explained WHY we were going (I'd also learnt through the week that I'm a WHY person. Ask me to do something, and the first question I'll ask you is "Why?". I need to know why I'm doing something -what's the point behind it - otherwise I just don't buy into it. Anyway... )

The main reason we were going was because, for some of us, it would be a real challenge to get on a sailling boat. For others, it would be a challenge to leave the harbour, and for others it would be a challenge to sit at the front of the boat.

The afternoon was all about challenging ourselves. The trainer called it challenge by choice. If just sitting on the boat was enough of a challengefor us, then that was fine. If steering the boat was the challenge for someone else, then that was their choice and they could have a go at that.

I think it's fair to say that we all left our comfort zone on Friday afternoon. For me, the biggest challenge was actually getting on and off the boat. Standing on a tiny lip of boat, with the fear of falling in the water, or knocking myself out, was enough to make me feel sick. But I did it.

I lasted for the whole two hours. I endured the cold, the speed, and the fact that we were almost sideways in the water at some points.

And, when we got off the boat, and we were back on terra firma (doing aerobics in our jump suits in order to warm up!!) I felt really proud of myself.

You can check out a video of it here.

New Girl

For the first time in more than five years, I'm going to be the "new girl" in the office today.

I start my new job at 9.30, and I'm nervous, excited and petrified all rolled in to one!

This is a great new start for me, though - 2011 is gonna be awesome!

Whoop Whoop!!

I was just chatting with my friend on Face.Book.

She has PCOS, too. She and her fiance have a 7 year old daughter, and they've been trying for another baby for as long as I've known her (about 6 years).

She had Ovarian Drilling in December, and she's just found out that she's pregnant. Maximum of 8 weeks, but she's not entirely sure on the dates.

I am so fricking excited for them!!

I'm also a little bit excited for me, too... She, like me, has a few pounds to lose, and it's really encouraging that they have finally managed to get a sticky bean. I feel like it's given me a bit more hope.

On the flip side, we went out for Mr B's 40th birthday with some of his friends. One of them is due to have her 4th baby within the next 2 weeks, and another is 12 weeks pregnant. The one who is 12 weeks pregnant is still smoking up to 20 cigarettes today.

It's her third baby, and she has smoked constantly throughout all of the pregnancies. She's 24, and when the baby's born, she'll have three children under 25.
One of my friends was there, too. She and her husband have struggled to have a baby for the past 3 years. She turned to me when the pregnant one went for a cigarette and said "do you ever feel that some people just aren't worthy".

That just about summed it up.

My Week in France - Part Four

Elton John reckons that Sorry seems to be the hardest word.

Not for me.

As I mentoned, there were 6 of us on the course, and we all bonded really well. It didn't take long though, for them to start telling me off.

On day 2, two of the other attendees, at different points of the day, told me that I apologise too much, and should stop.

I hadn't thought about it, really, but when I did, I realised that I do apologise. A lot. It's almost like it's ann automatic prefix for most of my sentences.

"Sorry. Can I just ask a question?"
"Sorry, but I don't understand..."

One of them said that they thought that, if they ran me over, I'd probably apologise to them for causing damage to their car!

I was banned from apologising for the rest of the course unless I'd actually done something wrong. I asked why it mattered so much.

"You're always apologising for yourself", one of them said, "You're a caring person, and it's like you don't want to disappoint people. Don't worry so much!"

I thought about it a bit more that evening, and maybe they're right. Maybe I am apologising for being me.

And that's something that needs to stop.

My Week in France - Part Three

Another useful lesson we had last week was about the power of saying no.

Y'know, when your boss comes to you and asks you to do just one more thing to help him out.

You really want to tell him where to go because you're already manic, but your scared, don't want to be rude, or don't want to miss an opportunity by saying no.

I managed to get myself into a habit of saying yes all the time, which resulted in me being taken for granted and getting more and more stressed. Saying no can be really powerful, and doesn't have to be negative - as long as come up with a mutually convenient solution.

We learnt to Acknowledge the situation, Exit if necessary, and think about what you could achieve and provide a couple of Solutions that suit both of you.

My week in France - Part Two

On day three we went for a walk in the foothills of the Pyranees Mountains. We walked for nearly three hours, covering nearly 5 miles. It was exhausting, but exhilerating.

It should've been me...

As the oldest grandchild on my mum's side, I always thought that I'd be the one to make my grandparents great grandparents.

But, my cousin had a baby girl last week and beat me to it.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise - obviously we'd all heard that she was pregnant, but she's a compulsive liar, so nobody really knew if she was ACTUALLY pregnant. In fact, I think I found out that she was pregnant in November 2009. She was then pregnant throughout 2010... So I guess I just assumed that she'd be "pregnant" forever, with no baby actually arriving.

I was wrong.

My cousin isn't really one that we have anything to do with. As I said, she's a compulsive liar. My brother once overheard her telling someone the story of her engagement. They were in New York. He waited until the last night, when they stayed at the Plaza, took her for dinner and proposed in the restaurant. It sounded lovely. It sounded like MY engagement story. In fact, it WAS my engagement story. My brother totally caught her out on that one!

When she split from her apparently abusive fiance and had no where to go, my grandparents took her in because her mum didn't have room at her house.

She was supposed to stay there for a couple of weeks until she got herself sorted. She stayed for six months.

She racked up debts while she was there, and the bailiffs ended up knocking on their door and they've since been black listed.

She stole from my grandad.

And her ex got in touch to say that the bailiffs had been to him, too, and her debts were what had split them up, not him being violent.

They threw her out and they, and her mum, have had very little to do with her since. It wasn't long after that that we heard on the grapevine that she was pregnant. The chances are she doesn't know who the dad is, either...

She is, fundamentally, a horrible person with some serious issues.

And she's the one that got to make my grandparents great grandparents.

I deserve it more than her.

Mr B and I want a baby more than anything.

We're in a better position to have a baby.

I'm the eldest grandchild.

It should've been me.

My week in France - Part One!

Last week was a big week for me.

I spent a week in France on an NLP course. I wasn't entirely sure what to expect, but I knew that I'd learn a lot.

NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) is about how we communicate, how we interact with other people and how we react to our own internal dialogue. There's a line in P!nk's latest single that really hit home last week "Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead" - that's pretty much NLP right there!

Anyway, my main motivation for going was that... honestly, I had nothing better to do and I was being offered the place for free. Well, for the cost of a flight, anyway, which was as good as free. I knew that, in the long run, it wouldn't do me any harm from a professional perspective, either, so figured there was nothing to lose, really.

What I hadn't expected, though, was for just how emotional it was going to be. There were 6 of us on the course, and they were all strangers to me. I never expected to bond with them, and open up to them, the way I did.

On the second day of the course, we did an exercise that looked at, in short, what our vision is. In doing that, you also look at other aspects of your "world" (and understanding that everyone has their own world, and it's different to yours, mine, and everyone elses is important, too), including your surroundings, behaviours, capabilities, beliefs and who you are, to check that they're all congruent. We worked in pairs on the exercise, and tried to understand what was stopping us from reaching our goals or visions.

My vision, obviously, is to be a mother. To have a family and to care for them. I thought that everything else was congruent with this vision - it's what I've always wanted and what I've been trying to achieve for years, so how couldn't it be!?

I mentioned to my partner that I know I need to be losing weight in order for my chances of conception to be possible, and that I constantly seemed to sabotage myself and kept putting my weight back on.

She asked me why I thought that was, and I said that maybe, deep down, I wasn't ready to be a mum. I wasn't ready to stop being me and start being a mum.

Then she looked at me and said "Why do you have to stop being you when you have a baby? Can't you be you AND a mum?".

I felt like I'd been hit by a truck.

Up until that very moment, I had no idea that's how I felt about being a mum - that it would mean that I, Mrs B, would lose my identity.

When we talked about it some more, it became clear that, in fact, my belief is that to be a mum means giving up everything that makes me me.

This belief is so deeply routed in me, that I didn't even know it was there. But now I do know that it's there, I'm setting about changing it.